“But my low libido is ACTUALLY broken…”
It’s me, Angie, your friendly neighborhood suburban mom / sex & self-intimacy coach. And I’ve been there.
If you’ve found this blog post it’s very likely this isn’t the first “fix your low libido” article you’ve read. And I’m guessing every time you've had a little voice in the back of your mind whispering “but I’M the exception - I’m IMMUNE to the fixes, tips, tricks, and encouragement”.
🙋🏻♀️Guilty! Been there!
So let’s dive a little deeper, shall we? I’ll let you in on a secret. These are the three truths that drive my entire philosophy:
Bodies, minds and sexualities change our WHOLE life
There are two types of desire: responsive and spontaneous.
The key to a fulfilling sex life is in your hands.
OK, so desire. Very closely tied to the much struggled with sex drive and libido. Let’s break it down:
Spontaneous Desire: This is an immediate desire that can be triggered by little or no sexual context or stimuli. It can feel like a "spark" that comes out of nowhere.
Responsive Desire: This is a desire that's triggered by mental, emotional, or physical stimuli, yes, like touching or kissing, or by erotic ideas, feeling psychologically free, or heck, seeing a clean kitchen. It can feel like an openness to exploring pleasure upon experiencing something sexual.
A few important data points:
75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous desire.
5% of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire.
80% of couples experience mismatched sex drives.
(in this study, men = assigned male at birth and women=assigned female at birth)
So it’s no wonder that spontaneous desire is culturally considered to be “healthy” while responsive desire is considered “broken”. Yes, it is the patriarchy’s fault.
It’s my personal mission in life to right this perception. Hear me out: Both types of desire are equally good. There is no moral value in them–they just are.
By knowing which you tend towards you can create an environment that welcomes the most pleasure into your life.
