My Story: How I went from “low libido” to a fulfilled sexual goddess.
I had barely (ok, not at all) recovered from what new motherhood meant for my body, mind and especially my sex life when we were plunged into the COVID-19 pandemic.
As someone who had prided themselves on being sexually liberated, I was at a loss. I felt totally overwhelmed. AND the guilt of the ever-present “not tonight, babe” was crushing me.
Did I magically fix my relationship with my body, mind, partner and sexuality during a global crisis rife with personal and collective trauma? Goddess no. But I did start facing it and eventually, talking about it.
You know what I learned?
SO MANY PEOPLE feel this way. Like our sex drives were broken, our bodies are strangers and our identities have….evaporated. For all kinds of different reasons and out of a variety of circumstances.
I wasn’t alone - the only “broken” person out there - and neither are you.
The truth is that we’ve all felt this way at some point in our lives. Because our bodies, minds and sexualities are not set in stone. And that’s a good thing! But can also be confusing and distressing!
So how did START my journey out of this “rut”?
I absorbed as much peer-reviewed, research-based, written by women and not in Cosmo information as I could. My intro recommendations?
Come As You Are and Come Together by Emily Nagoski, PhD
Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy J. Kleinplatz PhD and A. Dana Ménard PhD
Body Talk: How to Embrace Your Body and Start Living Your Best Life by Katie Sturino
2. Deep, deep introspection. But here’s the twist: I approached my thoughts, feelings and mindset as an impartial anthropologist. No thought was “good” or “bad”, “right” or “wrong”. This is the epitome of “easier said than done”, but seeing it as an experiment that you are going to just TRY can help you get over your inner “ya right”.
Feeling crushing guilt? Hmm, ok interesting.
What’s the message I’m repeating in my mind about that feeling?
Where did that message come from?
How do I actually want to feel?
If you want to talk to a human who’s been there, set up a no-pressure chat with me>>>
3. Communication. Again, easier said than done, I know. If you are partnered, then talk to your partner, if you aren’t talk to your friends. Someone who can be your ally. I filled my husband in on all of my struggles, thoughts and fears - the ones under the resentment and accusations. A few (real life) examples:
“I’m feeling really sensitive about my body today. Can you tell me I’m pretty?”
“I miss touching you but I feel so shut down right now I don’t want to have sex”
“The thought of doing the dishes right now makes me want to crawl into a hole, but it would really help me feel better. Can you do them today?”
Sound terrifying and impossible? Reach out>>>
Your partner is not a mind reader - they simply cannot be. So opening up yourself to…yourself…is the only way to get through.
All of these things are ongoing and neverending. The circumstances of life never stops changing, and therefore we have to continually adapt and find balance.
